Monday, May 08, 2006
Introduction:
You know, there are some things I've done that I've never been able to forgive myself for. It's not that I think about them all the time, and it's not that I am so emotional over them that I need you to hug me or anything, but I really find it interesting.
I've done many bad things in my life, but there are only a few things that still really give me a bad feeling when I think about them, and there are probably different reasons for that. What is really interesting is that these things that bother me so much aren't really the most terrible things I can think of that I've done. I'm thinking they might just be the first instance of a certain type of wrong that I've done.
For example:
I met a boy for the first time when I was probably about ten. He had this Nintendo game that was my favorite ("Mike Tyson's Punch-out"), and I really wanted to borrow it. I convinced him to ask his mom, and his mom said no. But I kept begging him and promising him that I'd bring it back, and he asked his mom again, who then said, "Yes."
For whatever reason, I never saw the boy again. By the time I thought about it again, I wasn't sure where he lived. When we moved away, I remember packing that game into a box and knowing I should have given it back. And I felt so bad for this kid who really wanted to please someone he thought was a new friend. He trusted me, gave me probably his favorite game, and I'm just sure his mom didn't go out and buy it for it again, because she had made it clear that she didn't think it was a good idea.
Whenever I think of this, it really bothers me, because I don't see myself as the type of person that intentionally steals from people, and it wasn't my intention to take advantage of this kid. If I ever meet him again, I will find some way to pay him back.
So that's kind of how I feel about these situations. When I really think about them, I get really upset and wish I could go back and make things right. That's just the kind of person I am. I don't like knowing I have things in the past that should be made right but I have no way of doing so.
Pay Back:
Well, this last week I had the amazing opportunity of making something right. I'm sure many might read this and think that it is no big deal, but for me it is a huge deal.
I used to live in a little town in Colorado. One time I stole a piece of "Bit-O-Honey" candy that only cost 5 cents. We just saw it as funny at that time, but later on I felt kind of bad about it. Again, this situation really isn't the worst that I can do, but it just might have been the first of a certain kind of bad, and it left an impression. Since then I've always wanted to go back and make it right, but I had no opportunity. This last week I went on vacation with my family and we went back to this little town. To my surprise, the market was still there and under the same ownership. Although it felt kind of funny, I was able to hand a cashier 5 cents and tell him the story. He kind of laughed and probably thought I was a little strange, but that didn't matter to me.
It didn't matter to me because I know what it means to me, and the only thing that really mattered was that I have spent years knowing of this wrong and wishing I could just pay back the stupid 5 cents and move on. I left that store with a huge smile on my face, and felt like I was walking on clouds.
Conclusion:
I feel like something happens inside of us when we open doors in our life to new kinds of behavior, and when we, in general, do things we know are wrong. It leaves a kind of mark. And sometimes, regardless of how we want to view ourselves in light of our current moral convictions, we cannot forget our past behaviors that contradict these convictions. It sort of leaves a mark.
There is also a great healing power in being able to confess these things, make amends to those we've hurt, and "Pay Back" where we should. If any of you can relate to this, you can consider a comment to this Blog as a starting place for confession if you like, but I would really encourage you to seek out ways of making real and honest amends for wrong behavior.
1 Comments:
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At Saturday, September 16, 2006 9:38:00 AM,
Josh said...
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Matt,
Your 'Bit-O-Honey' story was right on! I don't think it's 'stupid' at all (oops...did I say that out loud?).
It's a testimony to that clerk at the store in Colorado. Praise God, man.
Your brother-In-Arms,
Josh
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Josh said...